Sorry if this is me being a negative Nancy.. I’m having a s#*t day..
I don’t know if this is the perimenopause talking or not!! Since early last year I noticed my hair falling out more so than normal my monthly cycle had become impossible to know what the hell was going on with and my mental health had plumited to an all time low.
After suffering in silence for many months almost, well all of 2023. I knew I had to speak with doctor about this, I didn’t think or even know anything of perimenopause and thought I had another 10 years at least until I entered menopause.
I felt cheated when I got my blood work back. Low and behold my hormone level was abnormal meaning or suggesting I was in fact going through this dreaded stage.
It left me knocked sideways because I would go through four seasons in one day. Starting my day with severe anxiety and heart palpitations, dreading getting out of bed.
My anxiety and mental health had been a difficult ride throughout my life, but now dear God, it was, it is something else!!
I can’t begin to describe the worst sadness I feel. I don’t want to compare because there’s nothing like the pain of losing a loved one but it feels like grief. I feel like I’m grieving!!
I can barely get a thought projected from my brain to come out my mouth. I have smashed too many cups, plates etc to keep count, and I don’t know if I’m batting or bowling…
My writing has taken a bit of a back seat but then I get so worried that I’ll lose the thing I’m so passionate about.
I feel so angry with myself, with God, with the world.. I don’t know why or I do but then I feel selfish. I felt angry at the world and God because I felt and believed that I was at a stage in life where I thought I’d made the most progress.
I’d reached a point in my life at one point never thought I’d get, so to feel robbed of that.
I’d have full on rants with God. Like speaking, shouting out loud, looking up at the sky “Is my life just meant for pain and suffering Lord?”…
“Why can’t you ever let me enjoy life up in the clouds?”… “You always bring me back down to earth with a bang”
“What have I done so bad to you Lord?”…
“Just bloody tell me so I know what I’m being punished for this time”!!
Sat in my garden (but even that feels too far for me to venture or visit lately) What my neighbours must think of me!! All of a sudden I break out in fits of laughter because my daughter hears me and shouts out the window “I thought you were crazy asking one question but you’ve had this full on back and forth convo like you can hear what he’s saying back to you” WTF… MMMUM… stay away from me I don’t want to catch you’re crazyyyyy”
If I didn’t look or feel crazy I definitely did now. I just feel… Well strange. I don’t know how else to describe it.
Then after speaking with my doctor who I feel isn’t taking me seriously. I understand I have a past riddled in addiction but that was many years ago now, but yet I still feel I’m looked at I’m just there to get some meds..
The fact that they throw methadone at you like you’re life depends on it (which for some it probably does) a medication that is just another addiction.
Yet I’m sat in the doctors room with blood work that has low hormone levels, I’ve missed probably 7/9 appointments because my anxiety is that bad I can’t will myself to go.
Shaking, crying, heart rate through the roof, I’m struggling in my life more than ever, but no they can’t offer anything other than hrt. That after reading & researching about left me even more worried.
Are we just supposed to suffer through it? I feel like I could kill someone. I go from zero to 100 in 6 seconds. Gosh please tell me it gets better!!!
