Finding the faith I lost..
Part 3 ///
I turned 19 two days before going to Remar. I couldn’t believe this was my life!! How did I let my life, myself, get to this?….
This was quite early on into my addiction and looking back I thought I’d reached rock bottom.
How very sadly mistaken I was. I didn’t know it yet, but, rock bottom was quite a long way down, compared to where I thought I was at , in this moment….
This was my opportunity to show these girls I wasn’t some shy, scared and timid little English girl, who spent her days crying and her evenings either praying or crying some more..
Well no Sir, These bitches couldn’t handle half of what I’ve been through. They couldn’t tie my shoelace….
Who does that anyway?
Who hides her housemates letter, that she believes has been posted..laughing & sniggering, talking about me to my face in a language I didn’t understand.
Then go through my belongings like she’s got first dibs!!!
F#+k that..
I was becoming stronger by the day, and after the first almost two weeks, which was hell but now felt like I could take on the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I was still absolutely petrified. I still had visions of me being raped and murdered & buried in these mountains somewhere no one could ever find me.
I sat on my bed, broom on the floor. How am I even here? The tears began to flow again. I was so angry at this girl ‘Christina’ . I was so angry at myself.
Deep down I knew this wasn’t me, Im better than this!! I didn’t or don’t mean I’m better than these girls, because I know each of us are broken, scared & alone. So hurt people, hurt people…
As I sat on my bed tears still hitting the floor, the girl who was picked to stay behind ‘Gabby’ shouted me into the kitchen.
Fear consumed me. My first thought was I was getting told I’d be going out with the rest if the girls. Wherever it was they were taken to each day!!!
There was a small group of women in the kitchen. One of them being Seren, the lady who owned the place. “Come, come” she said.
I was asked a series of questions. Seren speaking/asking in Spanish and Gabby would relay what Seren had said in broken English.
“What do you work at” ?
“I’m a care/support worker for special needs” I replied.
“Where do you get your money from”?
“What money do you mean? “Just my wages from working”.
“Did you bring money with you”?
“No, I was told not”.
“Do your parents have lots of money & can you get money from your parents”?
“No, they just normal every day parents. We aren’t rich”.
The only response from Seren was “Ahh”. But her face grew more frustrated and angry by the minute.
I was then given a black file with lots of forms, letters but all typed in Spanish.
“You sign” Seren said and pointed at the file I was now flicking through.
“What does it say”? I asked
Again Gabby relaying what Seren was saying. “Just information about you & that you agree to do rules”.
“But what information about me, I’ve just told you about me”
“You must sign” Seren blurted out, almost bursting a blood vessel.
“I don’t know what it says. Type it out in English then I’ll read it again and sign”
I was getting so scared and my anxiety was getting worse by the second. I could feel a panic attack coming on.
“I want to go home” I said tears flowing heavily.
“No go home, you stay for 1 year” Seren said through gritted teeth.
As I’m stood there crying, the ladies talking among themselves.
I couldn’t understand any of what they were saying, but it almost sounded like they were arguing.
“Sign, sign” one of them said.
As scared as I was, to the point I did almost sign those bloody forms. Pen in hand, shaking.
Then something just clicked in my head. “Don’t you dare sign those frigging forms” my subconscious self blurted out in my head.
I began talking to God. My faith in him had faltered over the years. I was brought up Roman Catholic, especially my other grandparents in particular my grandfather.
We were made to go to church every Sunday and confession once a week. No food before church because we couldn’t have breakfast before receiving the holy bread.
I remember when I was 6/7 I’d sit in church begging Christ to save me. I would feel like a fraud sat there, because I would question and put God to the test.
“If you love me God, don’t let him touch me again”.. . “Why can’t ou just kill him God”
My other grandfather sat next to me as I knelt & as he thought saying my prayers. “If he only knew” I longed to tell him. I would practice what I was going to say to him. My gentle, caring, loving grandad John.
I heard a voice in my head so clear it broke my daydreaming . “Don’t be scared, I’m with you” It was so clear I looked around to see if someone was there, who could of said it. There wasn’t anyone there who could of said it. I must of looked like a crazy person, breaking out of my daydreaming, looking for this voice.
After what felt like hours, Seren said to me, “One more chance, you sign, OK!!!….
“No way, get me them in English”
“Go way, go way” she muttered, shaking her hand towards my bedroom. “Go, go”
The girls returned and after prayer and ‘cult’ time as I called it. Not one of the girls looked at me, never mind spoke to me.
The air was thick and eerily the girls would look at me one by one….
‘Prayer’ lasted just over an hour, but tonight Seren led prayer instead of Esther. I could sense tension…
After prayer we all had our part in preparing dinner. Still quietness consumed the kitchen area. I wanted to scream!!!
Now and again some of the girls would speak to one another, then look my way.
“You bad, you cheeky” Christina muttered to me.
“You what?”
I answered back.
She said nothing, just looked and squinted her eyes & scrunched her face.
“You cheeky bitch, I found my letter under you’re pillow. Open, so you even opened it & my case?? “You’ve gone through that as if you had the hierarchy to take what you want first”
“I know you can understand what I’m saying you cheeky bitch”
I had a knife in my hand as I was slicing garlic and anchovies.
I held it up in front of me.
“Give me my case and everything you’ve helped yourself to, or I’ll cut that cheeky fucking mouth off you’re face”
I was shaking & didn’t know where this bravery & strength come from??
My chest taking in air like I was gasping for breath.
“You listen to me, I’m not scared of you, so try one more thing with me. One more smirking ugly face in my direction. One more wrong move & you’ll see what happens”
Esther ran from across the kitchen.
“Rachelle, please put knife down” she held my wrist and placed knife on the counter top.
After dinner we all sat around the big, wooden table. Esther went then came back with a shoe box full with folded pieces of paper. Filled to the top. She went round each of us, each girl had to dig in and pick a piece of the little square, folded paper. Then read what it said.
I was last. I held the little square in my hand, then opened it up. It was written in Spanish, so I had no clue what it read.
Esther came to my side, and looked at my opened paper. “Ohh Rachelle… This beautiful, this amazing for you.
Each folded paper square were all scripture from the Bible.
After Esther relayed what my square read. I was astounded!!
Isiaiah 41:10
“ Fear not, for I am with you
Be not dismayed, for I am you’re God.
I will help you, I will strengthen you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”
“Behold, all who are incensed against you, shall be put to shame & con-founded”.
I walked to my room and sat silent on the edge of my bed.
“You heard me Lord”… I whispered to myself, tears rolling down my cheeks.
